mary HAD a little lamb, which means it is dead.
song is me vs the world by halo friendlies.
i havent even started studying for the english and math common test tomorrow. no mood at all.
yesterday was ndp. everybody was super duper high. did you see me on tv? i was in the third row from the boys brigade contingent and the sixth row from the npcc contingent, the third person from the back. i doubt you could spot me. but it doesnt matter. 'cause i was in the contingent. yay =) thats good enough.
rahimah is out. im rooting for jonathan =) jay was out last week.
last last saturday there was a ndp preview where we saw the singapore idols. dont know why they didnt show it on tv. but after the preview i went home and they featured the preview on most of the channels which were reporting the news. did i mention? jay looked so cute in person and when me and yunqian waved at jonathan, he waved back. then i screamed. haha.
yesterday's ndp was the best. in the morning before the rehearsal i smsed a bunch of people saying 'happy national day! =)' and got quite some replies. before the actual parade we did the fun xi shua shua cheer np always does, together with npcc. so nice. during the parade our dressing was so neat, and i didnt feel as tired as the usual rehearsals. after that people got so emotional and started crying. aww.
went out to westmall in the evening for a while today with mao and benjamin and played some arcade games. played daytona and they kept trying to make me crash. crap lah. they were trying so hard to ram me against the sides that i came in first for one of the rounds we played. lols. then had to come back home again since mammo bought pizza for dinner. im sick of pizzahut lah. thats what they always gave us to eat during ndp.
oh well. im gonna flunk math again. then i wont be able to get that second piercing.
yet sometimes. i have weird mood swings and different personalities. its like one day i come to school really excited and happy, talking a lot to my friends and being hyper, doing stuff without thinking. then the next day i have a grouchy face and this heavy heart, not able to smile and very introverted, thinking before doing something, which is sometimes too late. some people said that i should smile more, my face black black, or whatever. and for these people i have been telling myself to be happy and stay cheerful, keep smiling, singing cute happy songs in my head. then nowadays people say i look happier because of somebody. but is it really worth it? i mean, is this the real me? did i change myself thinking that this sort of character would be better, so that people would stop insulting me? or so that people would like me better?
sigh. im useless and pathetic. i dont know where im going in life. i dont know what im doing. im like living for others. no ambitions. no goals. i used to have a dream but its too far fetched and im not good enough anyway. sometimes i feel sucidal. other times i feel that if i die it wouldnt make a difference. somtimes i feel loved. but other times i feel coldness. life is so fragile. i will die one day. why not today? will it matter how long i get to live? once i was depressed and told loads of people 'i want to die'. nobody took me seriously. most just said 'die lor'. yup. die lor. cold ice body with not a care in the world. no stress, nobody to judge you anymore, just eternal peace.
there's a huge box in the middle of my living room now. it hold a huge printer my dad bought. do we even need a third printer anyway?
